Dr. Devil's Remedies

They say that an empty mind is the devil's workshop. But what happens if the mind is that of the devil? My answer is that it leads to solving a lot of complex problems in life. Confused? read further to know what my devil mind was working on in idle time

Problem: How to get a person out of coma?
Solution: Lock him in a room with Rakhi Sawant and ask her to share her experiences in life. There are only two possibilities, either the person will give up on life or gather all the energy left in his numb body just to get up and slap Rakhi and stop her from talking any further


Problem: How to cure insomnia
Solution: Make the person listen to the recital of "Lord of the Rings" by Atal Bihari Vajpayee.

Problem: Torture a prisoner and make him plead for death penalty
Solution: Make him watch "Ramu Ki Aag" alone in the theater , twice a day without disprin, popcorn or coke for one full week

Problem: How to discourage homosexuality?
Solution: declare in public that Shahrukh and Karan are only friends

Problem: How to test someone's patience?
Solution: Make the person watch Jodha Akbar on some movie channel without granting him a loo break, even when the advertisements are being shown

Problem: How to stop Bangladeshis from coming to India?
Solution: legalize prostitution and terrorism in Bangladesh

Last and the most important
How to save India from degrading further?

Simple Make Gaurav Puranik the president of India hehehehehehehehe

Now let me dream of my action plan when i am made the president of the country, you can go back to your boring routine thoughts

When are you getting married?

When are you getting married?
I have been asked this cruel question many times now. The question usually brings back some really sad memories of events that have occurred in the past six months. The first question that comes to my mind is that do I look that happy? So happy that people can no longer tolerate my happiness , my freedom and want to tie me down with the chains of marriage? Through this post I have made an attempt to share with you all , the memories of the events that have occurred in the past 6 months
This post is dedicated to all my bachelor friends who are slowly and steadily turning into dinosaurs in the Shaadi Market. Yes it is a market unlike any other. Life was fun till the day my parents decided that, it’s time for me to get married. My brother has already undergone the sometime embarrassing, sometime painful, and most of the time hilarious experience of searching for a bride, using all possible tactics known to any parent. Yes I would call the methods adopted as tactics, finding a bride and getting married is nothing less than winning a glorious battle. Let me share our experiences so far in this seemingly never ending quest for the pativrata or sati savitri

The torture starts one unfortunate day, when your parents feel that you seem too happy in life, happy in doing what you like, partying with friends, enjoying your life without any hooks to pull you down . Parents now believe that it’s about time that they bring a new boss in your life, someone more fearsome than the office boss (at least he pays you at the end of the month for all the trouble). At the start you will encounter one the best melodrama that you must have watched, but this time the drama queen being mommy dearest. I have never seen my mother act so well. The expression so painful, sad, which can probably be matched only by two of the greatest melodrama queens, Rakhi and Nirupama Roy, the most sad and tortured mothers on the planet. There is no other weapon that any mother will use more effectively, looking at the sad face and the emotional outburst, trying to be the obedient son/daughter, you will succumb to the melodramatic emotional blackmailing technique and finally say OK. After this OK all the other Okays, in life will seem smaller and irrelevant and less dangerous.

These days parents are more considerate. Considering all the embarrassment that one has to undergo in the actual meeting, all of them have somehow decided to allow their kids to get embarrassed in private using an evil tool called matrimonial site. After delaying the registration process stating all possible technical reasons (Net connection is down, computer virus infection, website down etc) one fine day you will be forced by your mom to register, with her sitting by your side monitoring your every move.

Unlike social networking sites, filling up the “About Me” section on a matrimonial site is very tricky. On orkut/fb you will probably try to put up the wackiest quote, something funny or in my case a very cruel or a sarcastic quote. But that does not happen when you want to register on a matrimonial site. How do you make yourselves look like potential marriage material? Not sound very stupid? How do you say that I love to party , drink to glory , like to hit on all the girls I see at a bar and love to go on expensive tours to achieve all the above in a matter of 1 night ?. How do you say that I have hell lot of attitude and don’t care a fuck, what you think, till the time I like you and I am in a demanding position? The matter becomes very complex for girls. Imagine you are trying to convince a guy to marry you and somehow you are expected to make an impression by writing something about yourselves in just 2 lines.
The next step is to upload a DECENT photograph. God damn I do not recall the last time I was decent in anything, photograph included. With my mom by my side, I had my worst critic making sarcastic comments on all the photographs that I was choosing. The comments on some of my selections were, you look to fat in this one, you are not smiling and look too serious, don’t use the photo that you clicked in a party , you look like a drunk party animal……. Damn I don’t have a single photo that is worth uploading. The basic intent was to make me look like smart, slim, fair, handsome chap with long hair. I said to myself, WTF is that possible, at least I don’t know of any camera that clicks the picture of an elephant and makes it look like a tiger. Looking at my own photo, I got a feeling that I was selecting the photo for my own obituary, here’s Gaurav, soon going to be dead (actually married, but what’s the difference)

After you have finally overcome the challenge and have managed to scribble the two lines describing your sorry self, and have uploaded your photos, it’s time to search for the perfect partner. As I had mentioned earlier, matrimonial site is a very weird concept. Girls are very concerned about their looks and at least 90 out of 100 girls do not upload their photographs on any matrimonial site. Imagine that you have to be interested in someone (marriage perspective only) by reading 2 lines that they have written about themselves. For your understanding of the situation, I have pasted some of the weirdest profiles that I have seen. Remember that none of these girls have uploaded their photos and I am supposed to choose my life partner, by reading what they have written

Profile 1:
hi i am pooja looking for a good looking groom and he must be well setelled. he must be free minded &
Gaurav : And….. Is there more to the wish list or has she dozed off thinking of the ideal match?.
Profile 2:
I M simple cultural girl and want my spouse tobe graduated with fair looking and ht=5ft9inch nonsmoker, nonalcholic should able to understand me su-port me and should standby me till my last breath.
Gaurav: God damn we haven’t even met and all the conditions, no smoking, drinking etc and still she expect that I will support her till the last breath?. With all these conditions, the wedding day will be last when I breathe. Reject reject reject

Profile 3:
born brought up and educated in Mumbai she comes from a highly educated and cultured background.
Gaurav: And…….. Do I really need to comment on this?
You get what I want to say, don’t you? I thought that there might be some bad profiles and there might be good ones too. It is quite funny that the girls that you like, invariable do not like you. Till now I found some matching candidates but got rejected by all, similarly so far I have rejected everyone who has expressed interest in me.
Six months have passed since the torture began. To add to our woes, shaadi.com played a cruel game. I am not making up this stuff, and every word is true, I swear by Kingfisher beer, which will make you realize how serious I am. Realizing that we were not liking any of the candidates and vice versa, one dreadful day I get a daily mailer from shaadi.com, the site on their own had decided that it’s about time that we should change our sexual orientation. The mailer usually contains list of candidates/profiles which match the partner criterion that you have set. I was shocked to see that the mailer contained the profile of a GUY looking for a suitable alliance. God damn those jackasses sent me the link to a guy’s profile. Can anyone reach such a low point in life? Some stupid software decides that bride search is useless for you, why not try to swing the other way, and don’t be straight forward try the backdoor entry? Disillusioned by this event I decided that it’s high time that matrimonial sites are not the way to search for a partner. Clearly matrimonial sites have proven to be a big failure for me and my brother.
So now we have resorted to the more traditional methods of bride search, referrals made by relatives. There have been some funny incidents in all the personal meetings that these so called well wishers have setup. You feel that your friends, relatives actually understand your taste in women and will recommend someone who matches the requirement. But all efforts in vain. Someday I will share these personal meeting experiences with you

As I write this, I am still single. The pressure to marry continues and so does the seemingly never ending search. Looking back at the experiences so far, I guess being a bachelor was much better. But somewhere inside you do feel that, I hope there was someone I could go back to. After a tiring day in office I could go back home and say, sweetheart could you fix me a drink please? And while you are at it can you also get something to munch? Lol (do not expect something serious from me)
On a honest note, some day when you are lonely at night, you do hope that there was someone, and can’t help but hum the song – Still haven’t found what I am looking for

Video Coach ki haseen yaadein

If you have stayed in Mumbai, you might have traveled by the local trains at least once in your life. I have traveled, daily almost for three years. This is a simple effort of listing some observations.

Central Railway has more video coaches compared to western railway. For those who are not aware of the local train lingo let me explain the concept of video coach and its importance. A video coach is the compartment in which the ladies coach and the gents coach is separated by a small window (grill) providing unobstructed view of the ladies compartment to the cat-fight hungry males of the gent’s compartment.

It is always entertaining to watch the expressions of the female travelers. I believe that some girls watch others in a more embarrassing way than a guy checking out a girl. A man will simply look at the face, the vital assets, that’s it, our world ends there. For girls it starts with the colour of her hair, analyzing which celebrity’s hairstyle she has copied to the brand of the top she is wearing, whether it suits her figure. In short all the way from the top to the bottom, the last comparison being whether the colour of her nail paint matches with the color of her hair, dress etc. All this will probably take her less than 15 seconds, and that I would say is some serious talent. It is equally funny to look at the way these females will point the odd ones out, without even pointing a finger, just by making signs with their eyes and tilting their necks.

Amongst all the checking out you will probably hear a very loud sound, females fighting for the seat, or if there has been a stamping of feet, the reason is not important but the result is. The fight is really interesting if the two females belong to two different worlds. One being a girl from a sophisticated well to do family, wearing a good pair of jeans, a nice top, fashionable sandals, someone who resembles the small time model on page 55 of Femina , ( In simple Bambaiyya Hindi, ITEM) . Opponent of our item being a “kolin”, more famously known as the macchiwali and for my friends unaware of both, a fisherwoman clad in the traditional saree ( I wonder if it’s an unwritten law that a machhiwali should only wear sarees green or yellow in colour).

What makes the macchiwali noticeable is the quantum of jewels she will be wearing. Most of the time wearing at least ½ kg of gold, necklaces that look large enough to serve as chains to attach a small ship’s anchor or maybe even pull a car. Anyways just imagine the situation when females from such diverse backgrounds enter a fight.

Our item will usually make a sad face looking at the macchhiwali, muttering something in English. The macchhiwali will usually respond with a very brave loud comment. Being a very sophisticated girl, our item responds “excuse me’’ in her polished accent. There is nothing more annoying to any macchiwali than to hear someone talking back in English, call it jealousy or pure instinct the words “excuse me”, are also considered as abuses. At this point the machhiwali starts responding with the best of its kind abuses in Marathi, call it a habit, our item has to respond back in English. If she is traveling with a friend the first lines usually are “Oh shit/yaar shiiiiiii look at the way she is talking”. And then round one of the bout begins. The cat fight goes on with the macchiwaali trying to hurt our item with her abusing; now in Hindi, I guess butchering Hindi language more than her opponent. The fight continues and the male passenger across the grill is enjoying the show. The scene reminds of the scenes from movies where a criminal is watching a fight from behind the bars and is enjoying every bit of the action. A crowd would have already gathered near the screen (by now it has turned into an entertainment screen). It’s interesting to note that there will be guys stamping on each other’s feet or pushing each other, but instead of fighting they show great understanding. Instead of screaming or fighting, they will make some space for the other guy so that even he can get a glimpse of the ongoing entertainment show. Amongst all the screaming and shouting some old lady will play the role of NATO and bring about unwanted peace. Citizens of the neighboring coach hate this NATO delegate, and the peaceful citizens resemble the rebel army, upset that NATO has struck again. I hope that Lalu or P Chidambaram do not read this post and introduce new entertainment tax for travelers in the video coach.

Recently saw some advertisements on the upcoming Mumbai Metro railway project. The metro project promises commuters with AC coaches, automatic doors and a journey in a train which is not crowded. It somehow disheartens me to think that if there is no rush in the train and any pushing or pinching, there won’t be any cat fights (I pray that it does not happen). In such a scenario will the travel be as entertaining? will the cat fights come to an end? I hope that all the items find some reason to fight and that the entertainment in the video coach does not end, but now it becomes more pleasurable with cushioned seats and air conditioned environment.

Independence Rock, the Magical Journey

The year 1994 , the year that i became a teenager ( a big step forward). Full of energy and a rebel without a cause, I guess every teenager is in his/her own small way. It was always my habit to hangout with guys elder to me, and one such friend (They were more like idols to a stupid teenager trying to act cool) once told me , now that u r a teenager its about time we make you a man , lets introduce you to ROCK Music and an experience called Independence Rock. All excited I told my mother that i am going for a rock show and being ignorant about what rock music was, she had absolutely no objections ( sometimes i hope she never had found out what rock music was or what goes on in a rock show).


Two bus rides, a train travel and after a kilometers long walk from Marine lines station we finally reached Rang Bhawan, the ultimate venue for a rock show that ever existed in India. For someone in school , looking at the Xavier's crowd was like being in playboy mansion , surrounded by Hugh Hefner's picks of the season. All the rock fans in running screaming, singing in their traditional IROCK outfits , torn/faded/dirty jeans, mostly denim blue and with a black colored rock print T-shirt on top. I wondered whether it was the official dress code for this event and whether i will be let in since i was wearing a normal T with jeans. Nirvana and Kurt Cobain were at an all time high that season and invariably you could see a lot of Cobain and Metallica's on the T shirts. It is quite interesting to observe the body language of these guys. The heavier the music the music that you listen to more the attitude and pride in your walk. A guy with Slayer would definitely look down on a guy wearing a Jim Morrison T shirt , a look that "Get Lost u wannabe". After years of exposure to this cult even i have developed the attitude of looking down on guys who would listen to nu-metal /alternate rock, i guess continued exposure to the environment invariably transfers the attitude disease to you.


Like all other places in Mumbai you always have to stand in long queues for anything , be it a movie ticket, or your railway ticket. It was a pleasant surprise to see a long queue for tickets, I said to myself god damn, I didn't know that these many guys lived this lifestyle (even before attending the show, just at the venue gates I had started believing that this is not a form of music but a lifestyle). Standing in the queue we could hear the bands playing inside. The crowd screaming and singing along. The sound of electric guitar was exhilarating, the sound of the drums making my heart pound faster and faster. It's difficult to describe the feeling, one has to actually visit and experience the feeling.


We stood in the queue and then my friend pulled out bottles of thums up from his pocket, and offered everyone a swig. Thums up never tasted that way and then i was told that it was thumsup + OLD MONK , god damn since that day thums up and old monk have become the official drink for all rock shows. No matter how much money we have or if there's a hotel nearby , invariably we end up drinking on the road and that too OLD MONK. Standing in the queue there was only a 20 feet wall that stood between us and the venue, a wall protecting the insane already inside the show from the wannabe insane outside.


On entering Rang Bhawan we were welcomed with the best abuses that a crowd can shower on any band. Apparently the band had taken some time to do their sound check and the restless crowd had started chanting Bhe....od Mada ....od start the fuckin music. Wow i said, people on this side abuse in hindi too.
The air was filled with smoke of all types, from cigarettes to J's to the white smoke used as special effects for the stage. Under the main spotlights, the laser lights, the smoke takes the most weird colors and probably for me this was the best example of teamwork , the organizers contributing the lighting technology and the 2000+ crowd contributing the smoke hehe



That day had one of the best bands in India lined up to perform their act, Agni , Brahma, Pentagram and Parikrama. The time demanded that every band plays the best covers. Bands were not ranked based on how good their original composition was but purely on how well they covered Metallica, Deep Purple etc. That day all the bands were amazing with their work (i did not have any prior experience to compare). Songs like Alive , unforgiven, one, another brick, highway star, smoke on the water, paradise city, jump, even flow etc were covered by these bands. I will refrain from getting into the details of all the tracks played , for the fear that i will run into 100 more pages of text.

End of the show , as usual Farhad Wadia made a promise that the next IROCK will be bigger and better , and i would say that he has kept his promise year after year. What followed after the show was a long walk back to Marine Lines, but this time with really tired legs, a throat dried because of all the smoking, shouting screaming, clothes drenched in sweat and most importantly a neck that had never felt heavier and this painful. I guess headbanging does take its toll on the entire body. What seemed cool back then had now turned into endless pain.

14 Years have passed since that day, times have changed but the enthusiasm has not. IROCK venue has shifted from Rang Bhawan to Chitrakoot, We have jobs as senior managers in multinational companies, all of us are earning enough to afford a nice visit to expensive restaurants or even a 5 star hotel, but till date when it comes to IROCK

• The same friends call up , doesn't matter if we haven't spoken for 6 months but 2 days prior to IRCOK they will call
• We end up drinking old monk and thumsup , that too on the road no matter how much money we have
• The screaming , trying to sing louder than the band never ends
• end of the show we all end up with neck pain. Back then we cursed the college and now the bosses at work because with the hangover and pain we still can't miss office the next day

I pray that this journey never ends and that the madness continues !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!