Monday, October 20, 2008

Dr. Devil's Remedies

They say that an empty mind is the devil's workshop. But what happens if the mind is that of the devil? My answer is that it leads to solving a lot of complex problems in life. Confused? read further to know what my devil mind was working on in idle time

Problem: How to get a person out of coma?
Solution: Lock him in a room with Rakhi Sawant and ask her to share her experiences in life. There are only two possibilities, either the person will give up on life or gather all the energy left in his numb body just to get up and slap Rakhi and stop her from talking any further

Problem: How to cure insomnia
Solution: Make the person listen to the recital of "Lord of the Rings" by Atal Bihari Vajpayee.

Problem: Torture a prisoner and make him plead for death penalty
Solution: Make him watch "Ramu Ki Aag" alone in the theater , twice a day without disprin, popcorn or coke for one full week

Problem: How to discourage homosexuality?
Solution: declare in public that Shahrukh and Karan are only friends

Problem: How to test someone's patience?
Solution: Make the person watch Jodha Akbar on some movie channel without granting him a loo break, even when the advertisements are being shown

Problem: How to stop Bangladeshis from coming to India?
Solution: legalize prostitution and terrorism in Bangladesh

Last and the most important
How to save India from degrading further?

Simple Make Gaurav Puranik the president of India hehehehehehehehe

Now let me dream of my action plan when i am made the president of the country, you can go back to your boring routine thoughts

Sunday, October 19, 2008

When are you getting married?

When are you getting married?
I have been asked this cruel question many times now. The question usually brings back some really sad memories of events that have occurred in the past six months. The first question that comes to my mind is that do I look that happy? So happy that people can no longer tolerate my happiness , my freedom and want to tie me down with the chains of marriage? Through this post I have made an attempt to share with you all , the memories of the events that have occurred in the past 6 months
This post is dedicated to all my bachelor friends who are slowly and steadily turning into dinosaurs in the Shaadi Market. Yes it is a market unlike any other. Life was fun till the day my parents decided that, it’s time for me to get married. My brother has already undergone the sometime embarrassing, sometime painful, and most of the time hilarious experience of searching for a bride, using all possible tactics known to any parent. Yes I would call the methods adopted as tactics, finding a bride and getting married is nothing less than winning a glorious battle. Let me share our experiences so far in this seemingly never ending quest for the pativrata or sati savitri

The torture starts one unfortunate day, when your parents feel that you seem too happy in life, happy in doing what you like, partying with friends, enjoying your life without any hooks to pull you down . Parents now believe that it’s about time that they bring a new boss in your life, someone more fearsome than the office boss (at least he pays you at the end of the month for all the trouble). At the start you will encounter one the best melodrama that you must have watched, but this time the drama queen being mommy dearest. I have never seen my mother act so well. The expression so painful, sad, which can probably be matched only by two of the greatest melodrama queens, Rakhi and Nirupama Roy, the most sad and tortured mothers on the planet. There is no other weapon that any mother will use more effectively, looking at the sad face and the emotional outburst, trying to be the obedient son/daughter, you will succumb to the melodramatic emotional blackmailing technique and finally say OK. After this OK all the other Okays, in life will seem smaller and irrelevant and less dangerous.

These days parents are more considerate. Considering all the embarrassment that one has to undergo in the actual meeting, all of them have somehow decided to allow their kids to get embarrassed in private using an evil tool called matrimonial site. After delaying the registration process stating all possible technical reasons (Net connection is down, computer virus infection, website down etc) one fine day you will be forced by your mom to register, with her sitting by your side monitoring your every move.

Unlike social networking sites, filling up the “About Me” section on a matrimonial site is very tricky. On orkut/fb you will probably try to put up the wackiest quote, something funny or in my case a very cruel or a sarcastic quote. But that does not happen when you want to register on a matrimonial site. How do you make yourselves look like potential marriage material? Not sound very stupid? How do you say that I love to party , drink to glory , like to hit on all the girls I see at a bar and love to go on expensive tours to achieve all the above in a matter of 1 night ?. How do you say that I have hell lot of attitude and don’t care a fuck, what you think, till the time I like you and I am in a demanding position? The matter becomes very complex for girls. Imagine you are trying to convince a guy to marry you and somehow you are expected to make an impression by writing something about yourselves in just 2 lines.
The next step is to upload a DECENT photograph. God damn I do not recall the last time I was decent in anything, photograph included. With my mom by my side, I had my worst critic making sarcastic comments on all the photographs that I was choosing. The comments on some of my selections were, you look to fat in this one, you are not smiling and look too serious, don’t use the photo that you clicked in a party , you look like a drunk party animal……. Damn I don’t have a single photo that is worth uploading. The basic intent was to make me look like smart, slim, fair, handsome chap with long hair. I said to myself, WTF is that possible, at least I don’t know of any camera that clicks the picture of an elephant and makes it look like a tiger. Looking at my own photo, I got a feeling that I was selecting the photo for my own obituary, here’s Gaurav, soon going to be dead (actually married, but what’s the difference)

After you have finally overcome the challenge and have managed to scribble the two lines describing your sorry self, and have uploaded your photos, it’s time to search for the perfect partner. As I had mentioned earlier, matrimonial site is a very weird concept. Girls are very concerned about their looks and at least 90 out of 100 girls do not upload their photographs on any matrimonial site. Imagine that you have to be interested in someone (marriage perspective only) by reading 2 lines that they have written about themselves. For your understanding of the situation, I have pasted some of the weirdest profiles that I have seen. Remember that none of these girls have uploaded their photos and I am supposed to choose my life partner, by reading what they have written

Profile 1:
hi i am pooja looking for a good looking groom and he must be well setelled. he must be free minded &
Gaurav : And….. Is there more to the wish list or has she dozed off thinking of the ideal match?.
Profile 2:
I M simple cultural girl and want my spouse tobe graduated with fair looking and ht=5ft9inch nonsmoker, nonalcholic should able to understand me su-port me and should standby me till my last breath.
Gaurav: God damn we haven’t even met and all the conditions, no smoking, drinking etc and still she expect that I will support her till the last breath?. With all these conditions, the wedding day will be last when I breathe. Reject reject reject

Profile 3:
born brought up and educated in Mumbai she comes from a highly educated and cultured background.
Gaurav: And…….. Do I really need to comment on this?
You get what I want to say, don’t you? I thought that there might be some bad profiles and there might be good ones too. It is quite funny that the girls that you like, invariable do not like you. Till now I found some matching candidates but got rejected by all, similarly so far I have rejected everyone who has expressed interest in me.
Six months have passed since the torture began. To add to our woes, played a cruel game. I am not making up this stuff, and every word is true, I swear by Kingfisher beer, which will make you realize how serious I am. Realizing that we were not liking any of the candidates and vice versa, one dreadful day I get a daily mailer from, the site on their own had decided that it’s about time that we should change our sexual orientation. The mailer usually contains list of candidates/profiles which match the partner criterion that you have set. I was shocked to see that the mailer contained the profile of a GUY looking for a suitable alliance. God damn those jackasses sent me the link to a guy’s profile. Can anyone reach such a low point in life? Some stupid software decides that bride search is useless for you, why not try to swing the other way, and don’t be straight forward try the backdoor entry? Disillusioned by this event I decided that it’s high time that matrimonial sites are not the way to search for a partner. Clearly matrimonial sites have proven to be a big failure for me and my brother.
So now we have resorted to the more traditional methods of bride search, referrals made by relatives. There have been some funny incidents in all the personal meetings that these so called well wishers have setup. You feel that your friends, relatives actually understand your taste in women and will recommend someone who matches the requirement. But all efforts in vain. Someday I will share these personal meeting experiences with you

As I write this, I am still single. The pressure to marry continues and so does the seemingly never ending search. Looking back at the experiences so far, I guess being a bachelor was much better. But somewhere inside you do feel that, I hope there was someone I could go back to. After a tiring day in office I could go back home and say, sweetheart could you fix me a drink please? And while you are at it can you also get something to munch? Lol (do not expect something serious from me)
On a honest note, some day when you are lonely at night, you do hope that there was someone, and can’t help but hum the song – Still haven’t found what I am looking for