Thursday, November 20, 2008

Google to the rescue

Over the years we have used this wonderful tool called Google search. It has become difficult to imagine what our lives would be without Google. I am pretty sure that I will not be able to put up meaningful proposal with useless statistics without the help of Google. For that matter, most of us would not be able to search and gather any relevant information that we need on a day to day basis.
I remember a conversation with a close friend. She was trying to find her ear rings in her house, which she had misplaced. Being a complete mess that she is, she was having a difficult time in finding the ear rings. At that moment she came up with a rather innovative idea, what if there was a Google search available for your home? What if you could query Google and find out where you kept your watch, or the book that you borrowed from your friend or for that matter any item inside your house. Interesting idea isn't it? I let my imagination run wild with the idea of having Google search/ Google apps to solve our routine problems.
I always have a tough time when, my mom asks me to fetch anything from her purse. The problem starts with identifying which purse amongst the dozen odd purses that she owns, all of them kept in different rooms and in different cupboards. Is it the little brown one, or the really little brown wallet or the brown shopping bag? Damn it I am a guy and am not equipped to distinguish between chocolate brown, to cherry red or understand the difference between a purse and a small bag. For me colours are simply red, brown and bags are a bag, that’s it. We carry only one wallet and one office bag. I have always wondered why women need so many bags, especially when all of them are used to carry the same crap. The problem does not end when you locate the purse. There is usually one small purse inside the large one, and in one of the 15 compartments in the purse, lies the end to your search. Not to mention the painful task of trying to search through the a ton of paper garbage, make up kits, water bottle, change (more than what a bus conductor would carry on a busy day) and last but not the least some food item, usually a mouth freshener (scented supari) or mandir ka prasad carefully wrapped inside a small white handkerchief or a tissue paper. One interesting observation is that one of my friends, who always carries her toothbrush and paste in her purse. No exaggeration, yes she carries her toothbrush, even to office.
Even I am a big mess. I never have a clue where I have kept my wallet, or the car keys or my pens etc. The only things that are kept in the right place are my shoes. Yes there is no option of carrying them to the bedroom or leave them in the living room, they are only found in the shoe rack at the entrance. There have been instances when my wallet and car keys have been found inside the washing machine, in my trouser’s pocket.

Now this is a situation where a Google search could have been a saviour. My life would have been much easier if I could do a quick Google and get the answer on which room, which cupboard, which purse, which wallet and which compartment. Or find out where my car keys are, inside my trouser pocket or in the washing machine. Unless Google reads my article and decides to solve this global crisis, I guess we will have to go through the routine of searching for and through the purses and the washing machines.

Google has mastered the art of understanding a person's behaviour on the internet. Based on an individual’s surfing habits and search parameter, they display advertisements relevant to your interests. What we have is a computer that carefully crunches millions of complex mathematical equations to place the relevant advertisement on the page that you are surfing. The human mind also does something similar to Google. It does really complex calculations and analysis of a million permutations combinations on a daily basis. Don't believe me? Next time you see hot girl/guy, just analyze how many questions you have asked your brain and how many complex equations it has solved.
Usually the brain is activated the moment you spot an interesting object, in my case, a cute female. After the initial spotting you will carefully start analyzing some basic information. This is what I call gathering user information. You observe what she is wearing, how she is standing, what is the colour of her hair, what is the brand of clothing she is wearing, her height, including the most important of observations, the vital stats.

After all this information has been gathered in less than 5 seconds of observing, your mind does lot of calculations and analysis to proceed to the next stage. At this stage for a split second you will imagine that you are with that girl and visualize the scene. Depending on the character, it can range from being a scene to something obscene. You imagine yourselves with that girl, chatting, dancing and a lot of other things, all imagined in a matter of few seconds. Some people go to the extent of analyzing whether she will look taller than them when they stand together, or whether she will be classier compared to your clumsy self. Every guy has his own inhibitions and usually the first analysis is on his preference, be it the height or the looks etc,
At the next stage your mind will get into a small decision making loop. She looks pretty interesting; will she be interested in me? At this stage again the mind starts analyzing the inputs from the earlier stage and gathers more inputs on her behaviour, observing how she is talking/standing/dancing. If she is accompanied by someone, you try to identify the relationship. If she is hitting him, there are chances that it is her boyfriend, is she just being cool with him, maybe they are friends, and is she nervous or waiting for someone? The list is endless.
After this stage you decide whether you should hit on her. The decision and the courage of hitting on her are directly proportional to the amount of alcohol circulating in your blood. Research has proven that more girls get hit on in a pub or a club when the guys are happy and high as against a nice and sober condition. Usually you can blame rejections on alcohol, so it’s a guilt free proposition and a no loss situation.

After the initial attraction your mind starts solving a more complex issue, how do I hit on her? Whether I purposely bump into her? Do I directly approach with a nice pick up line? Or just keep staring at her like a jackass hoping that she will reciprocate and clear the approach path. This is usually the longest period of analysis. Every second feels like a minute. If the guy is accompanied by friends, then the situation becomes really entertaining. Invariably you will find your friends to be really supportive and encouraging. They will encourage you to approach the girl. Your ego and confidence is boosted looking at all the encouragement offered by friends. Its only later you realize that your friends knew how drunk you were and were curious to see how you will be rejected, with a smile or frown or by her friends who pounce on him like a pack of wolves. Some guys also find the situation to be a money making opportunity, betting on your chances of being successful or making a complete fool out of yourself. Anyways the result depends on how closely you have observed her and which variables you have chosen as the prime requirements and the ones that you have chosen to avoid. Statistically, unless you are a Salman or a John Abraham you will get rejected anywhere between 3-8 times out of 10. The higher the success rate, better are the flirting capabilities. Once you have chosen the right pick up line and have been successful in involving her in a dialogue, what next. There is always the question, what are her likes? What should I talk about? Should I talk about music? Talk about this place? It is very important, to understand what are her likes, to keep the conversation, alive and interesting. The biggest problem is having adequate knowledge on any topic that she has initiated. If you don’t seem knowledgeable, it’s a big turn off for the thinking women, at least I hope so.

While you are discussing various topics, your mind has already started working on what is the next plan. Should I invite her for coffee or a movie tomorrow? Should I ask her if she wants to go for a drive, tonight? God damn, women are so confusing, there is no way you can apply any logic and get the right answer.

Now imagine how many times you collected, analyzed all the information. Don't you think your life would have been easier if there was some kind of Google gadget in your pocket, which would accurately analyze all the information for you? All you would do is point the device at the girl and it could tell you whether there is any scope in even dreaming about hitting on that chick. If it could tell you, this girl likes tall guys with enough money to buy her tequila (her favourite drink), then take her out for dinner to an Italian restaurant and order a lasagne, then take her on a drive and end the date with a particular line that makes knees weak and then prompt you on a lot of other stuff, which invariably you will expect after spending a bomb on the drinks, food and petrol. If not it could tell you, no luck dude, she does not like bald freaks like you. What if you could scan through 30 women at a club to find out that none of them will find you to be their date tonight.

What if this device could point out that girl who would be interested in you and also give you information like the pickup line that you should use information on the topics that you could discuss? What if it could quickly scan through her orkut or FB profile and find out communities or things she is interested in? What if it could quickly scan through her flixster profile and find out which movie she wants to watch, and you could then invite her for the same? What if it could read her blog and present to you her mental profile? Well the wish is endless.
What if it could point out the female who would be interested in you? And if you are really lucky, what if there were multiple females interested in you? I guess if there were multiple girls interested the device would crash in trying to compute the results of the dream query “Which 2 out of the of the 4-5 girls, who find me desirable , be willing to opt for a threesome , TONIGHT. Even if the device didn’t crash and was able to answer the question accurately, I guess guys would faint at the thought of finally being on the verge of fulfilling their biggest fantasy hehe.

I guess if such a gadget were available then all sad nerds (me included) would definitely buy this device, of course with a password hacked by some other more intelligent desperate engineer. And my last imagination what would the device be called, I would surely name it "Doogle" (Do- Girl)

4 comments:

Vaibhav said...

Lolz!!!! Superb post dude....... if a Doogle is ever invented, think abt how highly it would be priced, you think you have any money left to buy a girl any drinks or food after buying it ??

Gaurav said...

Dude thanks for the compliment

As i had mentioned , being a cheap but intelligent Indian Engineer , i will use some card no or account , hacked by some more desperate engineer lol

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Vaibhav said...

Lolz!!!

ray said...

Hi,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘From the Devil's Mind’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,